


connective tissue

by blue_roses



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Unreliable Narrator, ep 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 16:09:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8851402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_roses/pseuds/blue_roses
Summary: He’s been told there’s no true strength before injury, he’s never fully believed it until now. He knows broken bones when healed correctly, become stronger. He’s seen the narratives in dramas around the world, but never in himself. Something about the idea felt impersonal to him, because he had always, always failed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i had to yall. also we all gotta remember yuuri fits "unreliable narrator" to a T so? i'm sure next ep will b goode.

  He’s been told there’s no true strength before injury, he’s never fully believed it until now. He knows broken bones when healed correctly, become stronger. He’s seen the narratives in dramas around the world, but never in himself. Something about the idea felt impersonal to him, because he had always, always failed. Mental weakness hadn’t been a stranger since the first time he hyperventilated during entrance exams. Since the first time he fell and couldn’t get up. 

  It’s been a long time coming. Yuuri’s in a hotel room thinking: it’s been a long time coming. He doesn’t know if waiting is his default or his strong suit. It feels like forever is dripping down his limbs, leaving him as nothing but bones. He could shatter so easily if he wanted to. Yuuri doesn’t mind it though, falling apart is definitely his specialty. It’s how he gets back together that matters. 

  Yuuri knows for a fact Victor does not have the same specialty. It’s fine, because it’s to be expected. Victor’s put himself into a podium with glass walls and a door he hadn’t seen until a year ago. Yuuri wants to tell him that maybe that door wasn’t something he should have opened, because Yuuri knows that he has to recreate himself. He’s done too many times to count, and yet he’s still weak. 

  When he was a child, he wanted to learn how to follow his parents’ footsteps. He didn’t understand what it meant, but he tried. He wanted to be like them, in a sense, ignored his own disconnect until the first time he visited the Ice Castle. Yuuri wholeheartedly believes his life changed when he was five and a half and he saw a world in a rink. A part of him probably knew he needed to put everything into this, because he did. 

  He can’t blame a soul for how he turned out. His childhood crush fell in love with his only other friend. Nishigori Takeshi spent time after time with his back turned when a nineteen year old alumni got pregnant and planned on keeping it. Yuuri stayed quiet, he’d cover when his friend ditched class for a sonogram and hold Yuko when she was over and under the moon. It would have been easy for him to stay in love with either of them, but he didn’t. He remade himself. 

 Detroit didn’t teach Yuuri anything that he expected. Failure being the one notable exception. Friendship being the biggest surprise at all. Yuuri knows Phichit had dreams because his dreams were bold. He skated like he was having fun and Yuuri still doesn’t know when he lost the feeling. Halfway into his stay, Phichit became a temporary inspiration with his straightforwardness and his dreaming and faith and home until the rest of the world crushed Yuuri into pieces. Vicchan died thousands of miles away, Yuuri failed. Again, then again. Yuuri remade himself in a bathroom stall, sobbing over everything and nothing at all. 

 Yuuri would have considered the world simple then. It had only become more complicated from there. Somehow, a drunk, loose lipped version of him laughed in his face and changed his world. He’d go on with his life, thinking nothing had. He came home, the girls grew up, his friends were happily married. There was no fluctuation this time, Yuuri tried to convince himself he missed this. 

 If this was a movie, the next part would be pure poetic cinematography. Victor, he reminds himself, the same Victor who is taking a shower, came into his life like a storm. Yuuri felt the intensity from kilometers away, which was contradictory because they were never that far apart. Yuuri tried, he did try not to let himself give in. He felt himself become a part of a narrative that he was helpless in. He didn’t feel Victor was a bad person, Yuuri just knew he wasn’t worthy. First as a student, then as a person. 

  Yuuri fell in love. Inevitably. Though he didn’t understand how he could be loved back after he broke down, lashed out, frustration cleared the cloud in his judgement and he let himself see the truth. Victor was human. Victor was human and loved him and it was as beautiful as could be. Surprisingly, it only made Yuuri hurt  _ more  _ when he was faced with the other inevitability. 

 Victor’s home was on the ice. For twenty or so years, it’s been on the ice. Yuuri tried the selfish act for a while, tried to embrace ownership. He failed, eventually. That was expected. He was in Barcelona wondering if he could mean anything he said. If he could be anything he claimed. He wanted to say:  _ I am so, so sorry I wish I was different. Stronger. I can try again _ . It was silly, wishing Victor would come and help him. He had to change. His hands were shaking when they exchanged rings and Yuuri had to change. 

 It took him a performance and a right mind and becoming part of the audience for Yuuri to realize. Yuuri had to make sure, for himself. He bound Victor by a drunken promise he didn’t remember making and a relationship he’d tried keeping. He was in love with Victor, but if they were equals in a hotel room something had to change on the rink. He just had to hope Victor had faith in him, because Yuuri barely had faith in himself. He still doesn’t, because he just knows he loves and he does not know how to define a damn thing. He thinks he needs to, and it starts like this: 

 Victor just finished a shower, and Yuuri thinks he looks so pretty and earnest. He couldn’t have imagined this in the past, he couldn’t have and that’s why he has to do this. He’s trying to be casual, and he’s going to be okay. There are bones and then there’s the connective tissue that’s made these months the most intense of his career. Possibly the best of Yuuri’s life. That’s why he has to let Victor go, see what he chooses once Yuuri gets rid of all this connective tissue that made up their bonds. If Victor has faith in him, as he’s shown, the only thing Yuuri can do is have faith as well. In Victor and himself, so he’ll make sure Victor can return with nothing weighing him down. Yuuri knows for a fact: he’ll make himself as okay as he can be. It’s his choice now, all he needs to do is open up and say--

 “After the final, let’s end this.” 


End file.
